Getting Divorced Doesn’t Have To Be A Bad Experience: Collaborative Divorce Works!
Divorce doesn’t have to be ugly. It doesn’t need to leave you feeling bitter and resentful. It is in the Collaborative Divorce model that upholds the divorce as a process of interest-based negotiations, settlements revolving around your needs as well as your children’s while maximizing mutual regard for each of your concerns. It is a business relationship when involving children, still modeling healthy communication, maybe better than it was while married. It can be a time of tremendous growth and improvement for you as well as the children. The ability to communicate and accept each other’s differences in a marriage vary greatly when divorcing. By divorcing through a process that requires respect and trust may seem crazy to those who never had it or lost in sometime during the marriage. Actually, by acknowledging the divorce the two adults can begin to share the same goal and work separately as well as together in creating independent lifestyles that are healthier and hopeful for the adults and children. If there are children involved, then the Collaborative Divorce model protects the best interests of the children by instilling a model of integrity and respect that could otherwise contaminate the children through the litigation process.
The goal of Collaborative Divorce is to create effective and meaningful discussions between the parents around the issues of children and each of your different single lifestyles in order to maximize the best plans that meets the children’s needs. The more control each of you have in the divorce process, the more satisfied you will be with the outcome of how you will continue on in your separate lives and share a parenting plan that will provide for the children’s needs and perhaps be more focused as a result of your efforts to make a parenting plan that makes sense for all of you. Depending where each of you are emotionally with the divorce will have a huge impact on your ability to make effective decisions that will affect the rest of your life, not to mention the children’s lives. Utilizing the Collaborative Divorce model keeps the power in your hands by helping you to make informed decisions and benefit from the safe, productive dialogues throughout the divorce process. I have prepared a brief description of the traditional, litigated model versus the collaborative divorce model for your information.
Litigation Model
Initially you are in control of the divorce process, however, ultimately you are out of control if you go to court because the Judicial Officer will decide for you. There is no control of the costs, time involved or resolution of your case. In addition, there is no control of financial complexity due to incomplete, withheld or contradictory information given on either side. There can be miscommunication, hidden agendas and incomplete, controversial information often creating more conflict around ascertaining facts from exaggerations, thus diverting the attention of both sides which ultimately gets everyone off track while the clock and fees increase. The civil litigation process destroys confidence and consequently can impact clear thinking and judgment of your decision making process. It can financially destroy both parties and sabotages the chance for a workable experience that will set the tone for future dialogue, which is lethal if you have children involved. This model can destroy the confidence about the future for both parties by wasting resources and improperly allocating resources in legal process fees and unwise asset and income decisions. For children, they are affected by the adversarial climate this model produces between both parents and can have increasingly stressful and negative impacts on their emotional as well as physical well-being. Please understand that this model can be useful for those parents with high conflict in order to determine the custodial arrangements.
Collaborative Model
This method provides the opportunity for problem solving rather than battling, for recommitting to parenting but on different terms. By thinking about the present and planning for the future the collaborative team allows each of you to bring it all to the table so that you can focus on a customized lifestyle for your individual needs and the children. As part of the goals of the collaborative practice, the team will help you to identify the strengths and weaknesses, the interests and needs of each party, while recognizing that there are the individual differences and lifestyles that each of you possess . By listening and educating each of you with pertinent information the team helps you to determine your needs and fosters choices which both of you can build upon. The collaborative team consists of an attorney for each of the parties, a mental health professional and a financial specialist as needed. The attorney will be able to advise you on the law and to model commitment to honesty, dignified behavior and mutual respect. Ultimately, the law is used to authenticate your decisions so it will be binding and enforceable at the conclusion of the process. The finances are approached with full disclosure by both parties and allows for choices of allocation based on the lifestyles of each party that will put them both in the best financial position. A financial specialist may be utilized to give you the maximum choices of allocation and financial planning for your lifestyles.
How does the process work? At the initial session you will be able to tell your story and be given the opportunity to utilize the services of an attorney, coach, child specialist and financial specialist as needed. The first step will be to properly assess each of the party’s emotional and physical needs and address any imminent matters such as children, residence, and immediate financial obligations. Mental health professionals serve as coaches and child specialists who are able to inventory family relationships and assess how these relationships are being impacted by the divorce. Critical to the collaborative model is the emphasis on interdisciplinary team’s work where the adults’ needs are the highest priority that protects and safeguards the children’s needs and security and maintains a working relationship between the adults. For this reason, the use of a mental health expert as a coach or child specialist is used in the initial phase of the process. Then at the first meeting, both adults and collaborative team members signs an agreement to act in good faith, make full and fair disclosure of all legal facts, including financial disclosures.
The Collaborative Divorce model is structured with agendas and meetings only when everyone is ready and if one adult needs to do some of his/her own homework to improve the communication process, then he/she will be able to do so in capable hands of a Coach. The process strives for each party to maximize gain by understanding what the dangers and opportunities are and what the outcomes entail, without being favored and prejudiced by those decisions in the ultimate outcome. For some of you this may be the first time in a long time that you’ve been able to be in control of your own feelings and have a voice with your spouse. The process is designed to empower both adults that address their unique concerns by a process that promotes a civilized, respectful resolution of the divorcing issues. Both of you can commit your intelligence and energy toward creative problem solving whereby your negotiations are proactive, seeking first to understand and then to be understood. Each of you get to decide what is important to you and to listen to what is important to the other adult and the children.
What is a Coach?
A Coach is a qualified mental health professional with experience in divorce issues. The Coach is not a therapist and has a specific role to help you with the divorce process by containing your feelings and providing grounding for effective communication. The Coach’s role is to help you determine your strengths you bring to the process and to assist you in reaching your goals by reinforcing behavior that enhances communication which is perforce to the collaborative model. Likewise, the Coach can help you determine what impediments exist that may be preventing you from reaching your goals. By looking at your behaviors and ways of thinking in a safe environment, the Coach can help you to refocus your energy and power. The sessions with the Coach are designed to help you process and absorb the feedback from the other party while identifying your needs and organizing your thoughts into coherent, effective words. With the emphasis on communication and self- management skills, the Coach can work with you to plan for the present and the future and to assist you in making accountable decisions that promote clarity and autonomy for your post-divorce lifestyle. If there are drug and alcohol issues, anger management and/ or domestic violence issues, the Coach can assess for the viability of the collaborative model and recommend collateral professionals.
If you have children, then you will want to identify your concerns for the children and all parenting matters which will afford the best parenting plan to fit their needs and your lifestyle. Having a Coach to help you develop and understand effective communication with the other party is paramount to making mutual decisions regarding the children. A Coach can help parents find their voice as a parent s by educating them and assisting them in finding their strengths and weaknesses. Furthermore, the Coach can remind you when you are reacting as a “partner” versus “parent” role and assist you in recognizing your “trigger points” when engaging with the other party. The Coach can help you identify what the problems are for you in the family system and can help you with solutions. When each of you as parents are respectful in your communication and cooperation with each other this shows your children that you care about them. Children benefit when both parents are involved in a stable and meaningful way in their lives and that involvement is supported by the other parent.
What is a Child Specialist?
A Child Specialist is a qualified mental health professional with experience in divorce issues and training in child custody matters. As a neutral member of the collaborative team, the Child Specialist works for both parents and provides a place for the children to speak and to ask questions. The Child Specialist looks out for the best interest and needs of the children and guides the parents on how to recognize the changes with the children. By educating the parents on the important developmental, psychological and practical information about the children during this time may help them address issues over which they are unsure or disagree. In order not to short change the children just because of the parents’ changing separate lives, both parents must be willing to consider the children’s needs in their negotiations. Working with a Child Specialist can leave parents feeling more confident about their decisions at a time when many parents are questioning their decision making ability. Moreover, the Children are projects for collaboration and not property to be divided. The Child Specialist keeps the team focused on the needs and interests of the children, by insuring that these needs and concerns are listened to by all collaborative team members, such as the financial specialist when considering child support or the coaches when developing a parenting plan. Divorce is a stressful time and for many parents it is extremely helpful to have access to a professional who understands their family, their children and the divorce process.
The Child Specialist can assess how the children are or are not adapting to the divorce process while considering the age, temperament, and where the child is developmentally. By spending time with the children separately, the Child Specialist is able to determine what the children’s relationship is to all family members, what support there is and can also point out problematic parent behaviors that may be creating problems for the children. Moreover, the Child Specialist works as a resource for the children and as an advocate who provides feedback to the parents and team regarding the children’s needs. For the children’ sake, the Child Specialist can help the children to identify what their strengths are and allow them to ask questions regarding the changes in their family. For many children, having someone to talk with is a relief; for adolescents, having someone to validate their needs is vital during this time.
In addition, the Child Specialist helps create a parenting plan that provides a good fit with the children’s needs and the parents’ changing lifestyles. The parenting plan should provide for each parent in a transparent and responsible way to continue to contribute to the needs of the children to the best of their ability. The Child Specialist identifies the differences in parenting styles and parenting issues and helps the parents to identify and reinforce their common interest as parents. By discussing the post divorce challenges and identifying the risks and concerns for the children the Child Specialist helps the parents to stretch for a better and more effective arrangement for the children.
Deborah Huang/March 2008
